Living with Leukemia part 9. The End.

When I started this series of posts on how the Husband’s illness affected us I never thought I’d end up where I am right now. I actually thought I’d be at the opposite of where I am right now. Cause where I am right now is at the dashing of all my hopes and dreams. The other day I mentioned a quote by Dr Seuss from Oh, the places you will go, if only we knew when we embarked on this voyage the places we would go. We would at least have tried to veer off course, perhaps.

The Husband and I, we’ve been off for some time, possibly since a little while before his illness. When I think back to when he was first diagnosed, how we honestly thought it would bring us closer together, how such a serious hurdle to overcome together would help us put aside all our pettiness and it would bridge whatever divide had started to come between us, how silly of us. It did, of course, for a time, it brought us back together, we clung to each other like a drowning man to a life raft. And yet here we are discussing the dreaded S word, the one that precedes the much more final D word, the point of no return.

Tonight I lay in bed next to the Boy and all I could feel was guilty. The endless debate in my head: how can I seriously consider tearing apart his stability, pulling the rug out from under him, how do I break up his home? And yet, how do I not? What am I teaching him, we’re his example of love, of companionship, of partnership, we’re teaching him how to relate to others, is this really what I want for him?

The Husband and I, we’re civil, most of the time, we’re friends, we talk and get along but we also hate each other, we’re mean, and unpleasant, we’re not really good examples. We could go on like this for years, most likely, but why? Why should we, when we still remember what it was like to love each other, to like each other?

I don’t know where this is going, but I do know it can’t stay like this, because if no one is happy then everybody loses.

This is the last living with leukemia post I’ll write, because it’s heartbreaking to me that we managed to avoid the one and only really terrifying ending that could have come from this illness, that of a life without the Husband, ironic then, that now I may still be living my life without the Husband. 


If you're interested in the other Living with Leukemia posts you can find them here:
Part 1 - The Girl
Part 2 - Me
Part 3 - Me again
Part 4 - Broken
Part 5 - Anniversary of T.W.C.O.A.T.
Part 6 - Anger
Part 7 - Loneliness
Part 8 - The Ugly Truth