started this series of posts on how the Husband’s illness affected us I never
thought I’d end up where I am right now. I actually thought I’d be at the
opposite of where I am right now. Cause where I am right now is at the dashing
of all my hopes and dreams. The other day I mentioned a quote by Dr Seuss from
Oh, the places you will go, if only we knew when we embarked on this voyage the
places we would go. We would at least have tried to veer off course, perhaps.
The Husband and I, we’ve been off for some time, possibly since a little while
before his illness. When I think back to when he was first diagnosed, how we
honestly thought it would bring us closer together, how such a serious hurdle
to overcome together would help us put aside all our pettiness and it would
bridge whatever divide had started to come between us, how silly of us. It did,
of course, for a time, it brought us back together, we clung to each other like
a drowning man to a life raft. And yet here we are discussing the dreaded S
word, the one that precedes the much more final D word, the point of no return.
lay in bed next to the Boy and all I could feel was guilty. The endless debate
in my head: how can I seriously consider tearing apart his stability, pulling
the rug out from under him, how do I break up his home? And yet, how do I not?
What am I teaching him, we’re his example of love, of companionship, of
partnership, we’re teaching him how to relate to others, is this really what I
want for him?
The Husband and I, we’re civil, most of the time, we’re friends, we talk and get
along but we also hate each other, we’re mean, and unpleasant, we’re not really
good examples. We could go on like this for years, most likely, but why? Why
should we, when we still remember what it was like to love each other, to like each other?
know where this is going, but I do know it can’t stay like this, because if no
one is happy then everybody loses.
the last living with leukemia post I’ll write, because it’s heartbreaking to me
that we managed to avoid the one and only really terrifying ending that could
have come from this illness, that of a life without the Husband, ironic then,
that now I may still be living my
life without the Husband.