I’ve been having a really hard time with this blog lately. When I first started it I debated for quite some time whether I wanted to tell the people I know about it because I felt I needed a place where I could speak my mind, including the unmentionables, in relative anonymity. But then my egomaniacal side got the best of me and I went and opened my big mouth and told all and sundry about my new blog that I was so excited about. So now I have nowhere to vent. Sigh. Though probably better this way cause it keeps me from writing something stupid, or that I’ll regret.
Anyway, back to the point of this post. I have writer’s block. So soon…. The main reason for it is that winter up and started and I was not prepared. Let me explain, basically, I’m making wrong associations. It got very cold here, it started snowing, the girl turned one, thanksgiving came and went and we’ve decorated the house for Christmas. Every day that passes, every minute, we’re inexorably moving closer to the day that our lives came crushing down around us and I’m scared.
It started snowing, and I started flipping out because of all the negative emotions that snow now evokes… awesome effect considering we live in a place where snow is not the exception to the rule come wintertime. So when it snows, my heart gets heavy, my breathing shallow and my stomach clenches, I have so much to look forward to since it generally stops snowing in April here. I have a million examples, yet none are all too interesting to read, it’s just, well, I have writer’s block. I don’t know what to say.
The husband and I are going to couple’s counseling because things between us are off kilter. I’m not going to say much more about this because, well, he may not want this stuff to be made public. All I will say is that we were off kilter before the leukemia, but I guess we both hoped that this illness, this shock, this journey we’re on together, whether we want to be or not, would realign us, would fix us, would make us realize what is really important in life. It didn’t. If anything it made things worst.
Typical. You would think we could possibly take some time and just enjoy life, our family and each other right now but fate is such as it is and the universe has an interesting sense of humor. So there you have it, we’re broken, I have writer’s block, so you’ll be reading some pretty erratic stuff on here for now. Bear with me. I’ll be back, and I’ll at least try to keep the nonsense funny!
So sorry to hear that snow seems to be falling all around and in so doing, causing more than a frisson, spreading a chilling blanket of white on your world.
ReplyDeleteCertainly life and relationships have their seasons. However, I think it's very significant that you've mentioned things were a bit out of balance before the devastating discovery of Ale's illness.
It's a bit -- sort of, though I'm not trying to compare apples to oranges here -- like when two people are having problems, then they decide to have a baby to "fix" things. Usually, if something's broke, the hairline crack persists.
Of course "leukemia" is perhaps the cosmic polar opposite of "baby," but by that I mean, injury was already a preexisting condition and so, insult -- in this case illness -- has only added to the scab.
I don't mean to come across as negative or unsympathetic towards your feelings in any way, on the contrary -- due to your open tone, frank honesty and obvious sense of frustration at this moment in time, I would guess you're likely looking for a good chat rather than a pity party.
Perhaps Ale's illness has helped catalyze a situation that at its root was already crumbling. Changing one's life to share with another person is tough. Children add much but also bring a certain stress and tension, and well, leukemia may as well be the worst four-lettered word.
I think admitting this to yourself and each other is a first step. Counseling a second significant leap. Things may heal in time inside and out, but this is clearly something you all are absorbing and working through. My advice would be to let it run its course -- discover whatever the hell that is.
May winter be fleeting and sunny-ish most days. You're doing an heroic job man-womaning the fort and hand-holding the kids every step of the way. Persevere, keep up this damn good blog. We're reading and with you all the way. Hugs to you, Ale and the kids, Alcira
So sorry to hear that snow seems to be falling all around and in so doing, causing more than a frisson, spreading a chilling blanket of white on your world.
ReplyDeleteCertainly life and relationships have their seasons. However, I think it's very significant that you've mentioned things were a bit out of balance before the devastating discovery of Ale's illness.
It's a bit -- sort of, though I'm not trying to compare apples to oranges here -- like when two people are having problems, then they decide to have a baby to "fix" things. Usually, if something's broke, the hairline crack persists.
Of course "leukemia" is perhaps the cosmic polar opposite of "baby," but by that I mean, injury was already a preexisting condition and so, insult -- in this case illness -- has only added to the scab.
I don't mean to come across as negative or unsympathetic towards your feelings in any way, on the contrary -- due to your open tone, frank honesty and obvious sense of frustration at this moment in time, I would guess you're likely looking for a good chat rather than a pity party.
Perhaps Ale's illness has helped catalyze a situation that at its root was already crumbling. Changing one's life to share with another person is tough. Children add much but also bring a certain stress and tension, and well, leukemia may as well be the worst four-lettered word.
I think admitting this to yourself and each other is a first step. Counseling a second significant leap. Things may heal in time inside and out, but this is clearly something you all are absorbing and working through. My advice would be to let it run its course -- discover whatever the hell that is.
May winter be fleeting and sunny-ish most days. You're doing an heroic job man-womaning the fort and hand-holding the kids every step of the way. Persevere, keep up this damn good blog. We're reading and with you all the way. Hugs to you, Ale and the kids, Alcira