Cockroaches really do freak me the hell out.
I’m not kidding. In Texas, where everything is bigger, better, colder and faster and whatever other positive comparative you can think of (and yes, I know there’s no such thing as a positive comparative, adjectives can be positive, comparative or superlative but not all three at once… unless you live in Texas, that is) the cockroaches are like super-sized, bionic specimens of the species. With superpowers.
Plus, they fly. I mean it’s not like they don’t already have all of the genetic advantages, they reproduce like crazy – to the tune of between 800 to 30,000 baby roaches per mama a year (shudder), nothing short of a solid whack with a hard-soled shoe can kill them – supposedly not even a nuclear explosion, they can subsist on practically anything, and despite their comparatively small size they manage to strike fear and revulsion in their biggest enemy (i.e. humans), do they really need to fly too?
Tonight I ran into a relatively small specimen for the first time ever since we moved into this house five years ago, you just don’t see that many cockroaches around here, garden beetles, spiders, ants, bees… yes, but not roaches, anyway, this run-in reminded me why I hate them so very, very much.
It was on my nightstand, as soon as I noticed it, it stopped moving and stood perfectly still, occasionally just twitching an antenna – it’s disturbing as hell to me that it knew I was looking at it. I tried to kill it by thumping it with my water glass, it moved at the speed of light just out of my reach and then froze again. It did this repeatedly. This behavior so freaks me out that every failed attempt at killing it sent me closer and closer to waking the sleeping husband with a girlish screech. I literally got goose bumps. I’m so much bigger than a cockroach and yet the fucking thing eluded me for a full five minutes all in an area smaller than a square meter. Until I went and got a flip flop, flicked it on the ground and pounded it into a pulp.
So, in this case size does have the upper hand, but still a teeny cockroach, no larger than a pinkie nail turned me into a nervous wreck before it’s demise and inspired an entire post. Unnerving.
Cockroaches are horrifying. I can't handle swatting them. I will tell you from experience that hair spray will kill them...but then they stick to the floor, which really pissed off my husband who was called in to deal with the calamity.
ReplyDeleteoh, how i hate cockroaches, i do, i do! once many, many years ago i lived in an apartment and the next-door neighbor had cockroaches and because he went to jail they took over the place. disgusting! i am so scared of cockroaches, those and mice. eeek!
ReplyDeleteUgh. Just reading this has sent me into convulsive shudders and make me feel all itchy all over. Reminds me of travelling round India and having to share my room one night with a family of huge orange cockroaches. They were EVERYWHERE. I literally cried myself to sleep and then checked out of the hotel at 6am the following morning. Never let it be said I'm a drama queen...
ReplyDeleteOh my GOODNESS, reading this feels like I wrote it myself. I too live in Texas, btw. :)
ReplyDeleteI hate those yicky things probably more than I hate anything else in the whole entire universe. Nope, not exagerating. :/ iiiirc!
They are dirty and you aren't. That is the real source of your misery. We used to have them the last place I worked. And if you knew where that was, you'd be horrified. But there they were. Dirty dirty little monsters.
ReplyDeleteNow I really want to know where you used to work!
ReplyDeleteWhere do you live? I grew up in Houston, now I live in Italy. I hate them more than anything too!
ReplyDeleteYou are a brave, brave woman for having stayed the night, I would've camped out in the hall!
ReplyDeleteI'm so going to have nightmares about your old neighbor's apartment now!
ReplyDeleteHairspray is so versatile! Must remember to keep a can with me at all times!
ReplyDeleteOh jeez! I grew up in FL and I never saw roaches so big. When we first moved there from Ohio someone told me they could not walk on carpet. So I would jump across tile, wood, linoleum, whatever to get to the carpet! I hate them, so gross....I don't think we have them in AK. We also don't have snakes, raccoons, poison ivy, or termites. You should move here and be my neighbor.
ReplyDeleteAK sounds like paradise! I really should move there and be your neighbor!
ReplyDelete