Finally, a post where I don't ramble on for hours

It rained nonstop on Christmas Day, but on Boxing Day we went to sleep with this view:

I know, it's a crappy picture, I posted it because I thought my front yard was just beautiful and I had to share. Also, the other day, I realized I don't have a whole lot of photos on here so I decided to rectify that. December has been a bit of a rollercoaster emotionally and I'm tired of boring you with all the jabber so here are a lot of pictures from this past month. Forgive the quality, but I'm no photographer!

p.s. since there's loads of pictures click below to see the whole post

The Best Posts of the Worst Year Ever

2010 is almost over, can we all shout out in glee together?! Honestly, we had a pretty crappy year, but sometimes good things come out of bad situations. I learned some pretty valuable lessons, I reevaluated my priorities, I think I’m a better person and hey, it led me to this blog. Today going through my usual blog reads I stumbled upon a year in review post by one of my favorite bloggers, Scary Mommy and then when I saw Theta Mom had done one too I figured I’d join the bandwagon. Writing this post forced me to go back and read through this year with all the good, the bad and the ugly… and I realized that though it remains “the worst year ever”, we still managed to have fun, to grow, to love and to laugh, so what more can I ask for, really?

I don’t know if these are the “best” posts I’ve written (that’s subjective after all), but I believe they represent me and this blog, so if you’re inclined to go read them, have fun. In any case, I wish you all a fantabulous 2011, full of love, happiness, health and laughter.

January:  A little background

February: From Scratch

March: Apparently we really missed the hospital

April: Transplant? Done!

July: Make no Plans ; Appreciating the small things in life ; Oh, the drama

August: Here we go again

September: Living with leukemia, the other side of the story – Part 1 – The Girl

October: Breastfeeding is f***ing hard

November: Dear Sting, letter from a fan

December: Pizza and ice cream

 

May and June – I was M.I.A. so no posts to speak of, which is why I put two extra ones from July

Living with Leukemia. The other side of the story: Anniversary of T.W.C.O.A.T

Thursday the 23rd I was moseying along, minding my own business, doing my thing when the husband comes up to me, mid-morning, and says: last year right now I thought I was healthy and my life was great. And my reaction was: Gulp. Crap. The anniversary of The Worst Christmas Of All Time starts today. And since the husband was on his way out the door to go to the hospital, the sense of déjà vu became almost oppressive, and I didn’t want him to go, cause what if they kept him there like in some weird time/space loop, where last year repeats itself over and over again à la “Groundhog Day”? But then he said, stop being crazy, I’m fine, I’ll see you later. I’ll. See. You. Later.

That night, he turned to kiss me good night and said, see, I’m sleeping here tonight, in our bed. I’m here. And there was relief in his voice. This past year was hard, I’ve said it again and again, but now it’s starting to feel like it’s finally over, like we can start letting go just a little bit.

My Dad died on February 5^th 2006, and when the first anniversary of his passing came around I started freaking out just a little bit… I dreaded February 5^th 2007, because in my head it felt like another ending. For the whole first year after his death I could think, last year today dad was in the office, or last year today we were on vacation together in Rio, or last year today he called and asked me this or that, but once I passed the one year mark from his death there couldn’t be any more last year todays because last year today he was already gone. So I dreaded the anniversary of his death because I would have no more recent memories of him, it felt like he was dying again. But that day came and went and what I had been dreading for a year, losing my father again, wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. In fact, on February 6^th 2007 I started letting go a little bit, it’s not that I magically started missing him less, but it was a little less painful. That’s the grieving process for ya!

How does this little anecdote relate? Well, December 23^rd felt like some sort of deadline too, I had the same feeling of dread, the same negative anticipation…. And yet it too came and went, and we can all truly start letting go now. The husband is doing ok, he’s got good days and bad days, but he is progressively getting better, it’s slow but steady and we’re ok with that.

I’ve mentioned in other posts that we’ve been having ups and downs lately, but on Thursday night I realized that much of the stress we’ve been under was due to this inauspicious date looming over us, I’m not saying everything is perfect now, but our hearts are certainly lighter. It seems strange to invest a date with so much meaning, with so much power, but it’s not something we did consciously, and it’s not easily explained. Suffice it to say that we counted our blessings and they are bountiful, so now when we look to the future we do so with less fear, anger and defeatism and more optimism, hope and faith. What more could we ask of the holiday season?

2am

‎2am here, Santa arrived, assembled toy kitchen, arranged gifts strategically and took many pictures. Mrs. Santa finished wrapping gifts, baked (and partially burned) cinnamon rolls for breakfast, rearranged gifts under the tree, rolled her eyes at the picture taking, and is now getting ready for bed. Merry Christmas!!!

Update to the post where I defy the universe

A few days ago I wrote a smug (and mildly smart ass) post on how I had finished all my Christmas shopping and how I was going to sit back and laugh at all the poor morons doing their last minute Christmas shopping in the craziness of the last few days, with the crowds and no selection blah, blah, blah. Thirty seconds later, when I realized how stupid and dangerous it was to thus defy the gods, I posted again, in a mildly repentant, trying to be amusing tone about how one shouldn’t defy the universe, yada, yada, ha, ha. Well, this post is for all of you who aren’t even a little superstitious (i.e. people who haven’t met my mother). You see, right after this whole little posting diarrhea I went through the other day I realized that the locked closet full of presents I had painstakingly accumulated wasn’t even scratching the surface of all the presents I was supposed to buy. So I spent the last few days, recompiling lists of gifts to get, running around like a crazy person trying to get them all, shaking my fists at the heavens when I realize that the genius idea for a present I just had for so and so was the same idea everyone else had too, so the hell am I going to be able to find that article before Easter much less Christmas, and generally doing all the things I had vowed I wasn’t going to be doing this year. So basically, if I may give you a few words of advice it would be to try to keep the smugness to a minimum during the holidays because karma is a bitch and she ain’t afraid to show it. Oh and by the way, I forgot all about a little thing called Christmas cards this year too… so please don’t expect one from me, I’ll send you two next year!

Like Pizza and Ice Cream

As Christmas is coming closer and closer I’ve fallen under a strange spell. The craziness of the last few weeks, the couple’s therapy, the barely contained emotions over the one year mark from the Husband’s diagnosis, the children not sleeping for weeks now due to teeth, coughs and nerves, it’s all come to a head this week in the most unexpected of ways. Monday I almost cracked completely, and then I had one of those realizations of epic proportions, complete with celestial music and lighting. And this is what I decided (what I realized is for another post, when I figure out how to convey it through words), this Christmas I’m going to let go of all the ridiculousness. I’m not going to get mad over stupid stuff, I’m not going to stress over the perfect meal, I’m not going to argue with the husband and I’m not going to let my frustrations or my feelings of inadequacy or my demons through the door. This Christmas I’m going to wear something that’s more comfortable than elegant, I’m going to sit through the meal, and everyone can serve themselves, I’m going to eat my food and enjoy it with no guilt, I’m going to buy part of the meal instead of cooking it myself and I’m not going to care, I’m going to watch the children unwrap the presents that magically appeared in the night and revel in their joy and if there aren’t any pictures of the event, well so be it, living it is more important than photographing it, I’m going to pause for a second and thank God that this year we’re all together for Christmas, cause that certainly isn’t a given. This year I want my Christmas to be simple and guilt, anger and frustration free. This year I’m going to just relax and enjoy it.

Last night, as I was thinking all of this, we were having pizza and ice cream for dinner, and it suddenly struck me what a perfect, comforting, simple meal it is. So that’s what I want this year, I want my Christmas to be just like pizza and ice cream.

5 signs you're PMSing

Do you recognize the signs?

1.    You suddenly start eating your weight in carbs.

2.    Everything your husband does is stupid or mean, or stupid and mean.

3.    Commercials are so sad, they make you cry.

4.    You love your children so much, it makes you cry.

5.    Your husband is so sweet, he loves you so much, it makes you cry.

Oh and a bonus: the only thing that makes you feel better is ice cream. Always keep some in the fridge, cause your husband certainly isn’t going to go get it for you in the middle of the night, that only happens when you’re pregnant. The first time. Because he’s mean. Or stupid. Or both.

Stuff that drives me nuts

When I realize a second after I posted something that it was just a blatant invitation for everything to go wrong and so when my carefully thought out plans for the week decide to come crashing down around me in a cacophony of chaos, anger, frustration and possibly tantrums I have no one to blame but myself. So for those (two) of you who don’t end up getting their Christmas presents this year because the universe decides to teach me and my big mouth a lesson, sorry!

Stuff that amazes me

That it’s December 12^th and I’ve managed to get most of my Christmas shopping done. It is a turn of events so rare that I’m worried what the repercussions will be on a cosmic level. I am reeling from disbelief. Seriously, the kids are set for X-mas from parents and Santa and for the Epiphany (Jan 6^th), which in Italy is a holiday where an ugly witch (the Befana) puts coal or candy (and at my house some small presents) in a stocking for kids depending on whether they were good or bad. When I was little I loved being “bad” because we got this thoroughly yummy fake coal candy. If we hadn’t had the Worst Christmas Of All Time last year (and yes, from now on December 2009 will be referred to by its official title or the acronym W.C.O.A.T.) I would fear some sort of karmic retribution. Instead, here I am gearing up to enjoy the last few days before Christmas with only a handful of presents to get and cookies to bake and then I can sit smugly on my high-horse and laugh at all those last minute shoppers.

Stuff that amazes me

That I managed to go two whole, entire months without shaving, waxing, or otherwise de-hairing my legs. And the only reason I actually got off my lazy derriere and got a wax was because next Tuesday I’m going to a Spa day with my girlfriends and was too embarrassed to show up with my man legs. Oh the wonders of peer pressure. Now, should I paint my toes before Tuesday too, or is that just useless preening?

Living with Leukemia. The other side of the story - part 4 Broken

I’ve been having a really hard time with this blog lately. When I first started it I debated for quite some time whether I wanted to tell the people I know about it because I felt I needed a place where I could speak my mind, including the unmentionables, in relative anonymity. But then my egomaniacal side got the best of me and I went and opened my big mouth and told all and sundry about my new blog that I was so excited about. So now I have nowhere to vent. Sigh. Though probably better this way cause it keeps me from writing something stupid, or that I’ll regret.

Anyway, back to the point of this post. I have writer’s block. So soon…. The main reason for it is that winter up and started and I was not prepared. Let me explain, basically, I’m making wrong associations. It got very cold here, it started snowing, the girl turned one, thanksgiving came and went and we’ve decorated the house for Christmas. Every day that passes, every minute, we’re inexorably moving closer to the day that our lives came crushing down around us and I’m scared.

It started snowing, and I started flipping out because of all the negative emotions that snow now evokes… awesome effect considering we live in a place where snow is not the exception to the rule come wintertime. So when it snows, my heart gets heavy, my breathing shallow and my stomach clenches, I have so much to look forward to since it generally stops snowing in April here. I have a million examples, yet none are all too interesting to read, it’s just, well, I have writer’s block. I don’t know what to say.

The husband and I are going to couple’s counseling because things between us are off kilter. I’m not going to say much more about this because, well, he may not want this stuff to be made public. All I will say is that we were off kilter before the leukemia, but I guess we both hoped that this illness, this shock, this journey we’re on together, whether we want to be or not, would realign us, would fix us, would make us realize what is really important in life. It didn’t. If anything it made things worst.

Typical. You would think we could possibly take some time and just enjoy life, our family and each other right now but fate is such as it is and the universe has an interesting sense of humor. So there you have it, we’re broken,  I have writer’s block, so you’ll be reading some pretty erratic stuff on here for now. Bear with me. I’ll be back, and I’ll at least try to keep the nonsense funny!