It is what it is

No long-winded preamble today, I just don’t have it in me. The husband had the bone marrow biopsy again today; the blast cells have increased, meaning the leukemia is in full swing, meaning he’s being admitted into the hospital on Monday for another transplant.

The only good thing we can think of is that we can stop stressing. The past two weeks have been wonderful on one hand and intensely yet quietly stressful on the other. Did we do the right thing by waiting? Should he have just gone in when the doctors wanted him to and be done with it? He would be halfway through the first treatment by now. But on the other hand the work he did emotionally, the cleansing diet, the memories we made are priceless and I wouldn’t have wanted to give them up. We’ve been spending so much time together, having such a wonderful time, but underneath it all the doubts, the fear, the stress. At least now we know, and it is what it is.

He had the biopsy this morning and we spent every minute since then thinking about what the outcome was going to be, but acting like it was the furthest thing from our minds. Hope in our hearts, doubts in our heads. And then we got the call at four in the afternoon; the disappointment took our breaths away. And we went from sadness, to anger, to disbelief to anger, to fear – of the treatment, of how badly he’s going to feel, of the possible consequences on his already challenged internal organs, of the nausea, of the loneliness. But in the end, what can we do? All the anger, all the tears, all the disbelief in the world aren’t going to change the outcome. He has to go in the hospital, we’ll both be lonely, each on our end, the kids will miss him, there will be challenges, he’ll feel crappy for who knows how long, but it is what it is and we can’t change it and whining about it isn’t going to make it go by any faster.

So we went out and bought the boy a tractor, the Easter Bunny was supposed to bring it, but what the hell. We set out to get one of those electric tractors with an engine but he fixated on one with pedals, with a wagon for his sister and a digger attachment in the front. He’s in seventh heaven, and the smile on his face when we told him he didn’t have to wait for Easter to get his tractor was priceless.

This weekend should be sunny, we’re barbecuing on Saturday, we’re going to enjoy our last few days together, we may even go for a bike ride or down to the beach for the day, and then on Sunday we’ll pack the husband’s bag; because we’ve decided to be happy and relaxed despite the situation, or we’re trying to be in any case. Because life is simply what it is.