Thursday, April 7, 2011

It is what it is

No long-winded preamble today, I just don’t have it in me. The husband had the bone marrow biopsy again today; the blast cells have increased, meaning the leukemia is in full swing, meaning he’s being admitted into the hospital on Monday for another transplant.

The only good thing we can think of is that we can stop stressing. The past two weeks have been wonderful on one hand and intensely yet quietly stressful on the other. Did we do the right thing by waiting? Should he have just gone in when the doctors wanted him to and be done with it? He would be halfway through the first treatment by now. But on the other hand the work he did emotionally, the cleansing diet, the memories we made are priceless and I wouldn’t have wanted to give them up. We’ve been spending so much time together, having such a wonderful time, but underneath it all the doubts, the fear, the stress. At least now we know, and it is what it is.

He had the biopsy this morning and we spent every minute since then thinking about what the outcome was going to be, but acting like it was the furthest thing from our minds. Hope in our hearts, doubts in our heads. And then we got the call at four in the afternoon; the disappointment took our breaths away. And we went from sadness, to anger, to disbelief to anger, to fear – of the treatment, of how badly he’s going to feel, of the possible consequences on his already challenged internal organs, of the nausea, of the loneliness. But in the end, what can we do? All the anger, all the tears, all the disbelief in the world aren’t going to change the outcome. He has to go in the hospital, we’ll both be lonely, each on our end, the kids will miss him, there will be challenges, he’ll feel crappy for who knows how long, but it is what it is and we can’t change it and whining about it isn’t going to make it go by any faster.

So we went out and bought the boy a tractor, the Easter Bunny was supposed to bring it, but what the hell. We set out to get one of those electric tractors with an engine but he fixated on one with pedals, with a wagon for his sister and a digger attachment in the front. He’s in seventh heaven, and the smile on his face when we told him he didn’t have to wait for Easter to get his tractor was priceless.

This weekend should be sunny, we’re barbecuing on Saturday, we’re going to enjoy our last few days together, we may even go for a bike ride or down to the beach for the day, and then on Sunday we’ll pack the husband’s bag; because we’ve decided to be happy and relaxed despite the situation, or we’re trying to be in any case. Because life is simply what it is.

23 comments:

  1. I love you, Yara and Alex. You are in my prayers. Your strength is inspiring, your courage invaluable. Be strong, let me help if I can.... amy

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  2. Good luck with the treatment. I think having a couple weeks to prepare, spend time together as a family, and just feel normal is a great thing.

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  3. You are an amazing woman Yara!!! I am thinking of you all and keeping you in my prayers! Love Star

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  4. Your courage is an inspiration, I am thinking of you. Please don't hesitate to call if you need me. God bless you both.xxxx
    Renee

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  5. Barbara Ken'sApril 8, 2011 at 10:48 AM

    I nostri cuori, i nostri pensieri, le nostre preghiere saranno con voi per tutto il tempo che sarà necessario!!!!!!!!!!
    Love you,
    Barbara

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  6. Bravi ragazzi, bravi perche', come sempre, affrontate le avversita' con coraggio, determinazione e con un sano stato d'aimo.
    Siete ammirevoli e non credo che sarei capace di fare lo stesso.
    Abbiamo incrociato l'incrociabile fino ad ora e continueremo a farlo.
    In bocca al lupo, vi avvolgiamo in un grande abbraccio.
    Michi

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  7. I'm sending you all the best of wishes and lots of strength.

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  8. I've been reading your posts since a couple of months. Thanks for your empathic way of writing and for sharing good and bad moments with us.
    I hope you will succeed in the journey to healing that you're making with your husband. Here is a link that I found interesting
    http://www.ilgiornale.it/interni/il_medico_che_vince_tumori_curando_lanima/atletica-afghanistan-3/07-01-2011/articolo-id=497997-page=0-comments=1

    All the best and never give up !

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  9. Give in, sorry :)

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  10. @Anonymous Thanks Amy, this time around I will definitely shout if I need a hand! Missed you on friday, hope your car comes back from the dead! Baci

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  11. @Jessica Anne Thanks Jessica Anne, it's a long road but I'm sure everything will be fine in the end!

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  12. @Star Fuller Thanks Star, prayers are always welcome! love to you and yours
    p.s. saw pics recently on fb, kids are gorgeous!!

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  13. @I'm So Fancy Fancy, just as long as you cross them with some fancy rings on!

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  14. @Barbara Ken's Grazie! Spero che sia necessario ancora per poco! ;-) baci

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  15. @Anonymous Thank you for the link, we may contact this doctor in the near future. I wish I knew your name though!

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  16. Hi Yara, my name is Sergio. Notte e a presto !

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  17. Hi Yara, my name is Sergio. Notte e a presto !

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  18. You are an amazing woman Yara!!! I am thinking of you all and keeping you in my prayers! Love Star

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  19. Good luck with the treatment. I think having a couple weeks to prepare, spend time together as a family, and just feel normal is a great thing.

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