Monday, April 23, 2012

Sooner or later all good things must end. The Goodbye post.


Let me start this post with a premise, my Mother is the queen of not giving a shit about what people think of her. Her own opinion of herself is the only opinion that matters to her. I respect this about her immensely.

The other day I got a call from my Mother, which, after a good half-hour of the parent-child equivalent of talking about the weather, finally got to the point. Apparently, a few weeks back she was at a party and a friend approached her and asked her whether I was getting a divorce.

I hadn’t talked to my Mother about any of the upheaval going on in my marriage because, as has become the refrain whenever I write about the situation, we don’t know what the hell we’re doing yet. I had received some inquiring calls from friends and family members but I had done the human equivalent of burying my head in the sand the “I don’t want to talk about it”. I realize now how ridiculous that stance was as I was, in fact, writing about it for all the world to read. But we’re not always rational and as long as I didn’t talk about it, I hadn’t actually shared it, or so my thinking went.

So anyway, you can imagine what the hell kind of position my mother was in at the party. Surprisingly, she didn’t care about that. She was, however, worried that by putting things out there on this blog I was fostering gossip and speculation and not all of it is necessarily kind-hearted.

I don’t care in the least if people gossip, she doesn’t care in the least if people gossip. And yet she worries that people gossip about me, my marriage, and my personal life. I wish I could say it’s ridiculous, but it’s not. I’m her daughter. I don’t give a crap if people talk about me, if they’re mean-spirited towards me, or whatever other negative reaction my talking about my private life can bring about, but, I would seriously care if people were talking and gossiping and speculating about my child. And there’s the rub.

She suggested maybe I shouldn’t be writing about my marriage on the blog, at least until a decision was actually made. She’s never had a problem with my blog although she doesn’t really ever read it because in a weird way she feels like she’s infringing on my privacy. Even though this blog is public, even though I told her about it, even though other people read it.  And it’s true that I write about private things on here. I choose to. But, alas, I’m not the only one they impact.

My mother was at a party, on the other side of the world, living her life, and something I chose to write about myself on this blog impacted her. I don’t know how she felt, that wasn’t the purpose of her phone call, but I can imagine. One of your friends comes and tells you that your daughter and her husband are going through some stuff and are thinking of separating and you know not a single thing about it. Probably doesn’t feel too good. I can imagine she was flustered and embarrassed, she probably didn’t know how to react, she had no clue what that person was talking about. Why on earth did I put her in that position?

I wasn’t ready to talk to my mother about it, because never are things so real to me as when I tell her, but I needed a place to share it, I needed feedback and support but not from people in my “real life”. Unfortunately, sometimes there’s a divide that comes between the blogging world and the physical world. This was mine. I could and wanted to share with my blogging friends, friends that only know me, that only interact with me, but I wasn’t and I’m not ready to share some things with people in my life that know and interact with my family and with each other.

I love this blog. I’ve put a lot of myself in this blog. This blog helped me work through and get through much of the husband’s illness, I made good friends through this blog and I reconnected with many old friends and acquaintances. I loved all the comments and emails I got from people both in my “real life” and people I only know through the internet. But I’m shutting it down. I can’t put my mother, or, though she never said anything to me, my mother in law, or my husband or anyone else, in the position to be embarrassed, or uncomfortable, or unhappy by the things I write on here.

I loved being Moomser, so it’s with a heavy heart that I say goodbye. I’m not sure what I’m going to do, whether I’ll start another, more discreet blog, cause I’m a little bit addicted to this blogging lark. I also don’t want to lose the relationships I’ve forged through it, I can pick up the phone and talk to or email my friends and family, not so much with my blogging friends. So if you want to keep in touch drop me a line, in the comments or email and I’ll contact you when I start something back up.

I’ll be posting a Virtual Coffee post tomorrow, with some news of our day to day goings on and last pictures, it’ll be my 37th Virtual Coffee, I’m a little shocked that I kept it up this long! Also, I want to close this blog with a “normal” post, just a regular Moomser post, it’s more fitting I think.

So goodbye for now and thank you for going through this journey with me. Moomser.

13 comments:

  1. Thank you for your heartfelt words, and I'm sorry it had to end in this way (and I'm hoping you will open another blog discreetly).  I've enjoyed learning about you and I've admired that you do post from your heart.  Looking forward to coffee this week.  Take care.  Karin

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  2. Your reasons make perfect sense. I'm sorry to read this, and sad for the position you are in. I hope you'll find another space in the blogosphere soon. Big hugs to you

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  3. I'm sad. I have tears in my eyes. Is that silly? It is, maybe - but I love you and I want to know you - more. Contact me at bridget at twinisms dot com. I'll give you my real for real info, so we can be friends. (In that other world we live in.) If you like, if not - I get that too.


    xoxoxo

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  4. Mi dispiace molto.....era un piacere leggerti e lo sarebbe stato, se tu avessi deciso di continuare, ogni giorno di più; era un modo per condividere le tue emozioni anche essendo "fisicamente" lontani ed anche se non sono mai intervenuta molto tramite commenti, mi hai sempre fornito uno spunto di riflessione.....chi ti vuole bene ti è vicino comunque e qualora deciderai di condividere di nuovo il tuo percorso, io ci sarò!

    Con enorme affetto,
    Barbs

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  5. I'm sad too, and it took me a really long time to finally decide to write this post. I'll email you. Thanks and I love you too!

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  6. I feel like a bit of a coward, but I want a place where I don't need to censor myself cause we do a lot of that in our everyday lives, don't we? Or at least I do... 
    Thanks for commenting, and I'll come find you from my new "home".

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  7. LG I know you commented but for some reason Disqus is being a pain today and your commenting isn't showing up, I'm sorry I don't know how to fix this. Thanks for writing me though!

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  8. Grazie Barbs! Stavo pensando di contribuire maggiormente all'altro blog, assieme all'Ale per non perdere totalmente contatto.

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  9. I'm sorry to see you go, but I completely understand. We all walk a fine line and when such delicate (and huge) things happen in our lives that involve the privacy of others as well...it's hard. It really does get hard. Anyway, I'm wishing you all the best. I do hope you'll stay in touch. And if you do decide to come back, in whatever form seems best for you, I'll be happy to see you again. Take care of yourself, and trust that all will work out for the best in the end.

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  10. I am sooo sad!  I feel like I was just getting to know you!  I hope with all my heart that you will start a new blog because you really should be writing!  You have such a gift with words.  Please be well and let me know if you start something new. (sdhm five six five at aol.com) 
    Love and hugs from So Calif! 

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  11. StrugglingforeverafterApril 24, 2012 at 3:50 AM

    Oh, that it hard. Makes me sad... Good luck.

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  12. I'm so sad...that we're losing you, and that you are going through this, but I totally get where you are coming from. It is such a fine line we have to walk as bloggers. 

    When you start blogging again (i know you will, you ARE a blogger), please send me your link so I can follow along....

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  13. And there you've summed up my greatest fear: discovery. Much love and good will to you and I hope someday I read a blog and wonder, hey wait, is this the Moomser? x

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