Virtual Coffee {30}

Hello dear friends, welcome to coffee.

The holidays are upon us and time is accelerating as it does when you’re extra busy. Since we’ll be in Houston for Christmas I wasn’t in the mood to set up a whole, big song and dance for Christmas (also, I didn’t want to have to be taking down Christmas ornaments in February when we get back, and it’s not like the husband’s going to do it when he’s home alone) so we got a teeny, tiny tree this year and let the kids decorate it themselves.

If we were really having coffee I’d also tell you that I must be pms-y already (it’s like a month long thing now) cause this morning I was walking through the toy aisles at the grocery store and I saw an older lady looking up at the toys and then squinting down at a piece of paper with a confused expression on her face and as I got closer I realized she was looking at a kids Christmas list. A really long Christmas list, might I add, with pictures and stickers and such and I got all teary-eyed. God knows why. And as I passed by her I whispered something along the lines of “Happy shopping, Santa Claus” and she laughed and mentioned grandkids. It’s hard here to connect with people, even during the holidays. Everyone minds their own business and no one ever interacts with strangers. I miss that about Texas, the random “Happy Holidays” and “howdy do’s” (not that I actually went around saying howdy do). So this small, insignificant connection with a stranger made me happy, and teary, cause I’m a hormonal mess lately.

seriously tiny tree

I would also tell you that I got the husband’s party all organized finally, kind of, sort of, mostly anyways. I have a venue, guests and his present, so I’ve got the basics down. This week I’ll figure out the rest. My Christmas shopping, however, is not all that advanced. In fact, it hasn’t even gotten started. Thank goodness “Santa” in the US got all the kids presents already so I don’t have to worry about them.  Although, it’s strange, along with the crazy hormones I’m also strangely calm about everything. I’m walking around with a very relaxed “it’ll all get done” attitude. I’m just sort of wondering how, and by whom….

One would almost think I was pregnant, though I’m not, though I kind of wish I were… but that’s fodder for another post.

very proud of their handiwork

Ok, I’m off to get some Christmas shopping done, or I may just sit outside and enjoy the sun on my face cause it’s a beautiful day out. After all, the Christmas shopping will get done somehow.

we finally wrote our letters to Santa

Now mosey on over and say hi to our hostess Amy!

p.s. though it’ may sound like I’ve been smoking weed, I actually haven’t, I’m just really mellow lately. Maybe I should switch my decaf for some real coffee…

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All I want for Christmas is--- Monday Listicles

So I’m back from taking the week off from blogging. Although, I didn’t really take the week off from blogging as I went around and read (and tried to comment on) all my usual blogs. I guess I just took the week off from writing. I don’t know how I benefited from it apart from going to sleep a little earlier every night. Anyway, I’m easing back into the swing of things by joining in with Stasha, a.k.a. Northwestmommy for Monday Listicles. Today’s prompt is the ten things I hope for this Christmas, which should be easy enough as all I’m doing lately is revising everybody’s Christmas wish lists and writing Santa letters.

What I hope for this Christmas:

1. Sleep. The girl appears to be sleeping better, this past week she hasn’t woken up every night so I’m hoping this keeps up, improves even, and most importantly doesn’t all go to hell from the jet-lag when we go to Houston this year.

2. A bra that fits. The single most terrible thing about living in Italy is that they don’t measure bras in cups and inches (or centimeters), and it’s pretty hard to find a cup size larger than a C. So I usually end up having to buy a cup size that is too small or, in the rare event that the cup size is fine the band is too big. Since I haven’t been back to the US in three years and have been pregnant twice since, you can imagine what state my bras are in. My first stop as soon as I land is a lingerie store. (And target, no one’s keeping me away from target).

3. A book. And not just any book. I want to find a really good book, and I want to read it all the way through in one sitting. And it has to be an actual paper, real book. For once, I’d like to just take a few hours and read a book uninterrupted instead of maniacally thumbing through my kindle in line or in a waiting room, cause it seems I only ever read on electronic devices nowadays at the post office, at the grocery store, in the doctor’s waiting room…

4. Someone to organize all my movies, shows and music. My one and only New Year’s resolution last year was to declutter my life. I’ve managed to do some of it, still working on a lot, but what I haven’t gotten around to, and frankly have no desire to get around to it is organizing my movies, shows and music. And since chucking it all in the trash is not the answer, I need someone to just come over and do it for me. Ok? Thanks.

5. Find a school I’m happy with. I knew this was going to be an issue sooner or later, but honestly I expected it to be a little later. I don’t like the Boy’s preschool. I’ll get into the whys and hows another time. I’ve talked to them again, but if I don’t see some serious improvement I’m going to have to look for a different school and I’m not all that hopeful cause I’m afraid that what I take issue with may just be a cultural thing and not something I can fix. But I want him to enjoy school, I want him to be happy. He’s going to be in school for a long, long time starting now, and it has to be a positive experience.

6. A house. We’ve been renting for a really long time. In fact we’ve been renting forever since I’ve never owned a house. We’ve been looking at houses for the past twelve years (I’m not kidding), we saw hundreds of apartments in Milan and we’ve seen many, many houses since we moved out here in the middle of nowhere. So it’s time. I want to find a house that doesn’t make me vomit and that I can afford. How friggin’ hard is that??

7. Shoes. As I’ve mentioned I own quite a few shoes, but as I get older I’m less willing to settle for second best. So this year for Christmas I want a pair (or two) of really comfortable high heels, that make my legs and ass look great, but (and here’s the clincher) that don’t hurt my feet if I stand for longer that 13 seconds.

8. Abs. Without breaking a sweat. Enough said.

And now the last two, serious ones:

9. Happiness. This one’s two-fold. I want my children to be happy. I want to know they’re happy. I don’t want to spend many a waking (and some a sleeping) hour worrying about their happiness. And I want to find a way to make the people around me a little happier. I’m not being all altruistic either, I’m want this for me, because if the people around me are happier than I’m happier and more relaxed.

10. Health. Lately it seems all I ever read about is the great vaccine debate (which, incidentally, I now feel compelled to write about, so be warned you’ll find a ranting post in the near future), but I gotta tell you, I don’t give a crap if my kids (or I for that matter) get the flu or the chicken pox or whatever else that’s not life threatening but just a massive pain in the ass. I do, however, want the husband to be healthy. And I don’t want him to be healthy for now, or not get sick in Houston or anything short term. I want him to be HEALTHY. I want leukemia to be a forgotten word, somewhere in the distant past. I want him to be healthy for a really, really long time. In fact, I want him to die of old age when we are so decrepit that death seems like a new and exciting adventure. I want him to see his great grandkids. So Santa, or whoever, forget the rest of the list and just give us HEALTH. I can take care of the rest myself. Thanks.

So tell me, what’s on your Christmas wish list?

Finally, a post where I don't ramble on for hours

It rained nonstop on Christmas Day, but on Boxing Day we went to sleep with this view:

I know, it's a crappy picture, I posted it because I thought my front yard was just beautiful and I had to share. Also, the other day, I realized I don't have a whole lot of photos on here so I decided to rectify that. December has been a bit of a rollercoaster emotionally and I'm tired of boring you with all the jabber so here are a lot of pictures from this past month. Forgive the quality, but I'm no photographer!

p.s. since there's loads of pictures click below to see the whole post

Living with Leukemia. The other side of the story: Anniversary of T.W.C.O.A.T

Thursday the 23rd I was moseying along, minding my own business, doing my thing when the husband comes up to me, mid-morning, and says: last year right now I thought I was healthy and my life was great. And my reaction was: Gulp. Crap. The anniversary of The Worst Christmas Of All Time starts today. And since the husband was on his way out the door to go to the hospital, the sense of déjà vu became almost oppressive, and I didn’t want him to go, cause what if they kept him there like in some weird time/space loop, where last year repeats itself over and over again à la “Groundhog Day”? But then he said, stop being crazy, I’m fine, I’ll see you later. I’ll. See. You. Later.

That night, he turned to kiss me good night and said, see, I’m sleeping here tonight, in our bed. I’m here. And there was relief in his voice. This past year was hard, I’ve said it again and again, but now it’s starting to feel like it’s finally over, like we can start letting go just a little bit.

My Dad died on February 5^th 2006, and when the first anniversary of his passing came around I started freaking out just a little bit… I dreaded February 5^th 2007, because in my head it felt like another ending. For the whole first year after his death I could think, last year today dad was in the office, or last year today we were on vacation together in Rio, or last year today he called and asked me this or that, but once I passed the one year mark from his death there couldn’t be any more last year todays because last year today he was already gone. So I dreaded the anniversary of his death because I would have no more recent memories of him, it felt like he was dying again. But that day came and went and what I had been dreading for a year, losing my father again, wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. In fact, on February 6^th 2007 I started letting go a little bit, it’s not that I magically started missing him less, but it was a little less painful. That’s the grieving process for ya!

How does this little anecdote relate? Well, December 23^rd felt like some sort of deadline too, I had the same feeling of dread, the same negative anticipation…. And yet it too came and went, and we can all truly start letting go now. The husband is doing ok, he’s got good days and bad days, but he is progressively getting better, it’s slow but steady and we’re ok with that.

I’ve mentioned in other posts that we’ve been having ups and downs lately, but on Thursday night I realized that much of the stress we’ve been under was due to this inauspicious date looming over us, I’m not saying everything is perfect now, but our hearts are certainly lighter. It seems strange to invest a date with so much meaning, with so much power, but it’s not something we did consciously, and it’s not easily explained. Suffice it to say that we counted our blessings and they are bountiful, so now when we look to the future we do so with less fear, anger and defeatism and more optimism, hope and faith. What more could we ask of the holiday season?

2am

‎2am here, Santa arrived, assembled toy kitchen, arranged gifts strategically and took many pictures. Mrs. Santa finished wrapping gifts, baked (and partially burned) cinnamon rolls for breakfast, rearranged gifts under the tree, rolled her eyes at the picture taking, and is now getting ready for bed. Merry Christmas!!!

Update to the post where I defy the universe

A few days ago I wrote a smug (and mildly smart ass) post on how I had finished all my Christmas shopping and how I was going to sit back and laugh at all the poor morons doing their last minute Christmas shopping in the craziness of the last few days, with the crowds and no selection blah, blah, blah. Thirty seconds later, when I realized how stupid and dangerous it was to thus defy the gods, I posted again, in a mildly repentant, trying to be amusing tone about how one shouldn’t defy the universe, yada, yada, ha, ha. Well, this post is for all of you who aren’t even a little superstitious (i.e. people who haven’t met my mother). You see, right after this whole little posting diarrhea I went through the other day I realized that the locked closet full of presents I had painstakingly accumulated wasn’t even scratching the surface of all the presents I was supposed to buy. So I spent the last few days, recompiling lists of gifts to get, running around like a crazy person trying to get them all, shaking my fists at the heavens when I realize that the genius idea for a present I just had for so and so was the same idea everyone else had too, so the hell am I going to be able to find that article before Easter much less Christmas, and generally doing all the things I had vowed I wasn’t going to be doing this year. So basically, if I may give you a few words of advice it would be to try to keep the smugness to a minimum during the holidays because karma is a bitch and she ain’t afraid to show it. Oh and by the way, I forgot all about a little thing called Christmas cards this year too… so please don’t expect one from me, I’ll send you two next year!

Like Pizza and Ice Cream

As Christmas is coming closer and closer I’ve fallen under a strange spell. The craziness of the last few weeks, the couple’s therapy, the barely contained emotions over the one year mark from the Husband’s diagnosis, the children not sleeping for weeks now due to teeth, coughs and nerves, it’s all come to a head this week in the most unexpected of ways. Monday I almost cracked completely, and then I had one of those realizations of epic proportions, complete with celestial music and lighting. And this is what I decided (what I realized is for another post, when I figure out how to convey it through words), this Christmas I’m going to let go of all the ridiculousness. I’m not going to get mad over stupid stuff, I’m not going to stress over the perfect meal, I’m not going to argue with the husband and I’m not going to let my frustrations or my feelings of inadequacy or my demons through the door. This Christmas I’m going to wear something that’s more comfortable than elegant, I’m going to sit through the meal, and everyone can serve themselves, I’m going to eat my food and enjoy it with no guilt, I’m going to buy part of the meal instead of cooking it myself and I’m not going to care, I’m going to watch the children unwrap the presents that magically appeared in the night and revel in their joy and if there aren’t any pictures of the event, well so be it, living it is more important than photographing it, I’m going to pause for a second and thank God that this year we’re all together for Christmas, cause that certainly isn’t a given. This year I want my Christmas to be simple and guilt, anger and frustration free. This year I’m going to just relax and enjoy it.

Last night, as I was thinking all of this, we were having pizza and ice cream for dinner, and it suddenly struck me what a perfect, comforting, simple meal it is. So that’s what I want this year, I want my Christmas to be just like pizza and ice cream.

Stuff that drives me nuts

When I realize a second after I posted something that it was just a blatant invitation for everything to go wrong and so when my carefully thought out plans for the week decide to come crashing down around me in a cacophony of chaos, anger, frustration and possibly tantrums I have no one to blame but myself. So for those (two) of you who don’t end up getting their Christmas presents this year because the universe decides to teach me and my big mouth a lesson, sorry!

Stuff that amazes me

That it’s December 12^th and I’ve managed to get most of my Christmas shopping done. It is a turn of events so rare that I’m worried what the repercussions will be on a cosmic level. I am reeling from disbelief. Seriously, the kids are set for X-mas from parents and Santa and for the Epiphany (Jan 6^th), which in Italy is a holiday where an ugly witch (the Befana) puts coal or candy (and at my house some small presents) in a stocking for kids depending on whether they were good or bad. When I was little I loved being “bad” because we got this thoroughly yummy fake coal candy. If we hadn’t had the Worst Christmas Of All Time last year (and yes, from now on December 2009 will be referred to by its official title or the acronym W.C.O.A.T.) I would fear some sort of karmic retribution. Instead, here I am gearing up to enjoy the last few days before Christmas with only a handful of presents to get and cookies to bake and then I can sit smugly on my high-horse and laugh at all those last minute shoppers.